Can't Live Here Anymore...

Happened on 12/4/10

E was in her room playing by herself.  Every once in a while, I’d hear her cry & then it’d stop, then start again.  I ignored it at first since she wasn’t hollering for me.  When I did go to her room, she was sitting on her top bunk with her hands over her face, crying a little.  I asked her what was wrong.  She replied, “I’m sorry to tell you this mom…(that’s her latest phrase for telling me things – cracks me up every time)…I can’t live here anymore.”

My mind quickly races to figure out what my response will be after I ask her “why not?”.  I have a few in mind as she’s said similar things in the past.

She replies, “Because I’m going to go to Heaven to be with Grandma”.

I pause – in shock – that was NOT the answer I was expecting.  Usually when she makes comments like that it’s because she’s mad at me for some reason or another & she’s decided that she wants to go live with her Daddy D (her bio-dad).

I took her down from her bed & held her in my arms.  I’m not sure how I responded.  I think I told her that she couldn’t go to Heaven yet. 

I realized driving home from work earlier in the week that this type of thing is going to be an issue for me.  I remember after my dad died & especially after my brother died that my mom was distant…other things were more important than me…work, drinking with her friends, sleep, etc.  I do NOT want that to be the case for E.  I want to still be there for her in every way that I can be…I don’t want her growing up with the feelings I had / have towards my mother – to this day, I still have anger about it – though I understand better now than I did then, but still  …Where do I fit in the time to grieve? 

Hubby is being as helpful as he can be.  Thursday night, I went to bed first (for a change) and he put E to bed.  Course, being “dad”, it’s easy for him to put her to bed.  “E, time for bed, see you in the morning.”  Gives her *hugs* & is done.  For me, it’s not that simple…I don’t think it’s that simple for any mom.  :-)