Really?

Ugh, why oh why did I open that acct at M&I.  I should have just closed the two POD accounts & been done with that bank.  Took f.o.r.e.v.e.r. for the account to be opened & the other 2 to be closed.  And she even had the nerve (?) to motion towards the POD withdrawal slips & go, you’re putting these into the Estate account, aren’t you?  Ummmm…hello….oh HELL NO!  The very REASON you set up your accounts to be POD is to AVOID the money going into the Estate & being probate.  I just looked at her & said, ummmm, no, I’d like $xx in cash & the rest in a check please – since I’m sure you don’t want to give me $xxx in cash.  *shakes head*  And she was an assistant VP. 

Today, E got a package from my uncle & aunt (my mom’s brother & wife).  I was shocked, to say the least.   It’s a necklace for her to wear – when she gets older, the note says, in memory of her g’ma.  From JCPenny “Always feel that an angel is watching over you or your love one in this crystal angel pendant. One side of the sterling silver pendant features an extraordinarily detailed angel with a star and crystals while the other side features the words: "I WILL ALWAYS BE AT YOUR SIDE".”  It’s a beautiful pendent.  Will go nicely with the “thumby” that I bought for E. 

My mom & her brother had a falling out, so to speak, after my grandfather died.  When we were going through g’pa’s things, my 2^nd cousin (uncle’s granddaughter) took a I Love Lucy lunchbox that my mom had given to grandpa.  When we realized this (after they had gone home to TN), my mom asked for it back, stating that she gave it to g’pa & she’d like it back for E.  The 2^nd cousin refused – stating that she was using it to take her lunch to school in (she was a junior or senior in high school at this time).   Neither my Uncle J (or Aunt S) nor my cousin P (the father of 2^nd  So they all stopped talking. cousin) would make her give it back.

Shortly before my mom’s surgery, she read the book “The Shack”.  Hubby’s mom had loaned it to me & I loaned it to my mom to read.  The book touched her.  So she emailed them all, told them that she forgave them & asked for forgiveness for her actions.  As far as I know, none of them responded. 

All during my mom’s time in nursing home, I didn’t hear from my uncle & aunt.  I even included them on mass emails a couple times.  One time, my other aunt (mom’s sister; Aunt G) emailed them something about my mom & Aunt S replied – yes, we know, we rec’d that email also…give M (me) our best.  WTF…but no email to me? 

When my mom died, I didn’t call my uncle – I had Aunt G do it – in part cuz I didn’t have his number.  In part cuz Aunt G had already called him once that day.  Two days later, I rec’d a call from my cousin P – giving his sympathies & telling me that his folks were coming up for the Life Celebration.  I didn’t hear a word from my uncle & aunt – not a word.  They weren’t at the Celebration right away & a few people asked me if they were coming – I replied that I had no idea since I personally had not heard directly from them.  They did show up, but due to the amount of people there, we did not spend a lot of time with each other.  I spoke a few words with them that day & the next morning w/ Aunt S.  I overheard her saying to hubby’s mom that they would be heading towards Mad City for a few days & I think I heard Aunt G’s daughter T say that Uncle J & Aunt S had basically invited themselves to their house for Thanksgiving.  When I said goodbye to Aunt S, there was no word of them getting together with me while still in the state.  And, other than this package, I haven’t heard a word from them. 

As I told Aunt G, it’s their bag to carry, it’s not mine.  The beef was between them & my mom – my mom stuck out an olive branch & got nothing.  They’re the ones who have to live with themselves. 

For Christmas, I’m seriously considering buying Aunt G and Uncle J & Aunt S copies of The Shack.  Might be a waste of money – might not be…I do want to buy it for my Kindle. 

Accomplishing

I’m trying to get things accomplished.  I called Santa Cruz County Recorders office to make sure I send enough money & fill out the form correctly to get a certified copy of the quit claim deed for the land in Arizona.  Stupid land – it’s the reason that I’ll have to probate the estate.  Grrr.

Course, I’m kicking myself for not getting this land into my name in Oct when my mother said that she was done fighting.  Per atty, it could cost me like $1k to get it over into my name / through probate.  *grrrr*  Same with the title to her car (though that won’t cost much money or issue w/ probate & probably won’t have needed to be probated if it weren’t for that stupid land).  Why didn’t I take care of this stuff in Oct – would have saved me time, money & sanity if I had just taken care of it back then.  *sigh* 

At least I’ve got the check in the mail for that.  Left a msg for the Assessor’s office to try & find out what the true market value of the land is since we all know that true market value is not what’s on the tax bill.  Hoping they can help me, otherwise, I’ll email a Realtor down there & see what she says. 

It doesn’t make much difference to me what the land is worth, but sounds like it might make a difference for probate.  I’m still going to sell the land as quickly as I can & get rid of it.  Not sure what my parent’s were thinking when they bought it.  My mom said they bought it & talked of retiring down there.  I find that hard to believe.  It’s like 10 miles from the Mexican border.  I can’t imagine my dad living that close to the border.  Mr. Grew Up on a Farm in a Small Hick Town that didn’t have a stoplight or a “non-white” person in it.  Living in Mad City & Western Publishing Town expanded his horizons, I know, but still….I’m sure he had deep roots in  his preference towards white people.  Not saying he was KKK material, but old-fashioned in his thinking.  Heck, even I don’t want to be that close to the border, living, ever again.  3 months was enough for me, thank you very much.  Perhaps in a “snow bird neighborhood” it wouldn’t be too bad, but I’ll likely not put myself in the position to find that out. 

I have a TON of magazines that I need to contact to get the subscriptions stopped.  I just don’t feel like it though.  Even though I know dealing with them is probably the easiest of all the issues, I just don’t feel like it.  Same with canceling her credit cards – I need to just to it, but no motivation.

Today, I’m leaving early to go open the estate bank account.  Hopefully that is easy.  Need to move the POD account into my name too – not sure if I’ll leave it open there or take a check over to my credit union or what I’ll do quite yet with it.  Suppose I’ll leave it open there a bit longer to make sure all the checks have cleared.  Eventually I’ll need to figure out what to do with it, along w/ the life insurance money (once I get it).  I want to park the money someplace in the short-term, just don’t know where.  I know I don’t want to do anything w/ the money for at least 6 months…just to get my head cleared out, etc.  At least that’s what everyone seems to say on money msg boards – just sit on the money for 6-12 months to get settled back into your life & figure out what you really want to do with your life / money / etc.  Course, I just realized that I don't have a death certificate with me (a bad copy of one) - hope that's not an issue. 

Still have to figure out what I’m going to do with the inherited Roth IRA.  I can either take minimum distributions on it for my life or take all the money out in 5 yrs.  I’m not sure which would be better.  I can take more than the minimum distributions too.  So I could take like $4,000 each year & then use that money to fund my own Roth.  But I’m not sure if there is any advantage (or disadvantage) to doing that.  Either way, I have a Roth filled with the same money.

Hummingbird

When I started this blog, I just picked this background – couldn’t really see what it was but the name sounded neat.  Then after I posted my first post, that’s when I saw what it was.  Hummingbirds…very appropriate. 

Hummingbirds are a “symbol” for melanoma cancer – the cancer that my mom fought for nearly 8 yrs.  I put a hummingbird on the memorial card that I made for her “life celebration”.  http://www.melanoma.org/learn-more/wings-hope

I’d like the hummingbird on the website / memorial card on me someday, someplace – in memory of her.  Though she HATED all of my tattoos…at least she said she did.  She had some choice words for them at times.

Seems an appropriate “memorial” to her though…  We’ll see if I ever do it.  I don’t know where I’d put it & I’d like the hummingbird to be with a rose and/or a petunia.  E’s nickname is Petunia Rose so to incorporate both would be ideal.  I think it would be tough to find a petunia and/or rose that would work with the hummingbird the way that website has the hummingbird – it’s almost tribal. 

Missin' You...

Email my former babysitter last week.  She emailed me back, saying how seeing me brought back memories of my brother & me when we were kids.  She also said how she knows I’ll miss my mom as much as she misses her, esp at this time of year. 

I agree that I’ll miss my mom this time of year, but I don’t know if I’ll miss her as much as B misses her mom.  I’d like to think that I will, but who knows… 

In some ways, her passing is a relief…she was suffering in the nursing home & it was a burden on me, both emotionally & time-wise. 

It doesn’t feel real yet to me, I guess is the best way to describe it.  When my dad died 24 yrs ago (I was 10.5), I recall “pretending” that he was just on a business trip – even though my dad rarely took business trips.  With my brother (22 yrs ago; I was 13), I don’t know what I “pretended”.  He wasn’t living with us when it happened, so I suppose I kept with that – he’s at his place & is super busy & hasn’t had time to see us. 

I don’t feel like I miss my dad & brother much.  Perhaps I did, back in the day.  I can’t remember how I grieved over their deaths.  I know I was in counseling in jr high – individual & small group and in a small group in high school  But beyond that, I'm not sure how I coped with it.  Some would argue that I never have fully grieved...

I’ll email B back in the next few days.  Not exactly sure what I’ll say or if we’ll start up an email friendship – we’ll see.  I was shocked though that on the morning of the “life celebration”, her face pop’d into my head & that I remembered her name.  I haven’t thought about her / talked about her with my mom for many, many years.  Which makes it even odder to me that I suddenly remembered her.  I honestly don’t remember her babysitting us, so I suppose I can just say that to her & go from there. 

Can't Live Here Anymore...

Happened on 12/4/10

E was in her room playing by herself.  Every once in a while, I’d hear her cry & then it’d stop, then start again.  I ignored it at first since she wasn’t hollering for me.  When I did go to her room, she was sitting on her top bunk with her hands over her face, crying a little.  I asked her what was wrong.  She replied, “I’m sorry to tell you this mom…(that’s her latest phrase for telling me things – cracks me up every time)…I can’t live here anymore.”

My mind quickly races to figure out what my response will be after I ask her “why not?”.  I have a few in mind as she’s said similar things in the past.

She replies, “Because I’m going to go to Heaven to be with Grandma”.

I pause – in shock – that was NOT the answer I was expecting.  Usually when she makes comments like that it’s because she’s mad at me for some reason or another & she’s decided that she wants to go live with her Daddy D (her bio-dad).

I took her down from her bed & held her in my arms.  I’m not sure how I responded.  I think I told her that she couldn’t go to Heaven yet. 

I realized driving home from work earlier in the week that this type of thing is going to be an issue for me.  I remember after my dad died & especially after my brother died that my mom was distant…other things were more important than me…work, drinking with her friends, sleep, etc.  I do NOT want that to be the case for E.  I want to still be there for her in every way that I can be…I don’t want her growing up with the feelings I had / have towards my mother – to this day, I still have anger about it – though I understand better now than I did then, but still  …Where do I fit in the time to grieve? 

Hubby is being as helpful as he can be.  Thursday night, I went to bed first (for a change) and he put E to bed.  Course, being “dad”, it’s easy for him to put her to bed.  “E, time for bed, see you in the morning.”  Gives her *hugs* & is done.  For me, it’s not that simple…I don’t think it’s that simple for any mom.  :-)